Dont post much on this anymore.

IM IN LOVE.

Currently Listening Just Be By DJ Tiësto JUST BE see related

   I rub my teary , almost bloodshot eyes in hope that if I rub just enough , I will awake from this weird new world I have been placed into with little to no expeirence. As if problems at school , couldnt be bad enough , I come home to a whole another barrel of "problems". A nagging mother , yelling at me to clean my room after being in school for what seems like forever. Homework that still needs to be catered to , and then time for MYSELF,to recuperate. I turn on my just bought DJ TiESTO cd "JUST BE" , and tears stream down my newly pale face. The words just send such a message to me. Kristy Hawkshaw's beautiful voice just sends shivers up my spine , the mix of amazing beats completes it , and sends me into a dream world , where everything and anything is just like I had pictured my life to be. It isnt a complete dream world where EVERYTHING goes my way , because if you know anything about me , you KNOW I dislike un-realistic happy-all-the time people. Yes , this world is realistic , but it keeps its title as a "dream" world , because in real life , nothing EVER goes my way and Im rarely ever truly happy. By the way , If I have ever told you that you TRULY make me happy , then it means something really special. There are only about HALF a handfull of people that make me happy , and actually do a good job at it. I made the mistake of telling someone that they make me truly happy , but I guess they were just too shallow and self absorbed to appreciate it or take value to what I was telling them. And because of my insecurties and depend on personality , I continue to let myself forgive him , and others who hurt me as well , because acceptance means ALMOST everything to me. Now on to other things. I dont eat lunch , as I have posted previously , which is resulting in greatly appreciated weight loss. I can actually say , that the diet infatuated person I was BEFORE would accept the skinnier person I am today with open arms. But like I made clear that was the me before. The me now , accepts, but KNOWS and EXPECTS the person I am now to be able to do much , much better. I know the pounds are coming off , but I still strive for my view of perfection ,and Its begining to scare me that Im not happy. Does this mean if I shrivel and become only but flesh and bone , I will still view myself as "fat"? Maybe. The future scares the shit out of me, so I store that vison away and try hard not to unveil it ever again. For some of you , you know I try to live a personal life where I dont brag or tell just anyone about my issues or problems , but listen and try to help others with theirs , so reading this may or may not come as a shock to you.  I dread looking into the mirror at myself. I hate seeing my bones begin to pop out more , and more because I know Im getting sick. People tell me to learn to love myself , and I wish I could. I wish I could learn to appreciate my body and everything else about myself , but I just cant seem to do it. So what do I do? I smile a fake smile , cover myself in designer labels , hold my head up high, pretend to know what Im doing , and secretly watch myself as I slowly deteriate inside. Lonely , starved , desperate , cold , tired , and depressed. Though no-one would EVER guess.

-SAMANTHA F.

SEPTEMBER 12TH 2005

Currently Listening Romanza Con te partiro see related

      Where do I begin? These past days have been so depressing. When Im not crying myself to sleep , Im taking pills to make me fall asleep. Only to wake up and face my 8 hours of misery , which always ends in a severe migrane. I find myself regretting the day , before it even starts. Im so overwhelmed I dont know how Im going to deal with this for weeks. I dont eat much at all. I just feel too sick , like if I even attempt to eat something I'll vomitt. Highschool is NOTHING like they told us it would be. It isnt "fun" or "amazing" , and it certainly isnt going to be " the best years of my life". Its crowded , big , confusing ,easy to get lost in , and cold. Its long ,and its slow. Its everything but hapiness. When I tell my mom or my sister they all say the same thing; " YOU ARENT THE ONLY ONE." Well , technically , I AM. When I walk the halls , I walk alone. When I sit in classes , I sit alone. When I walk home, I walk alone. And lastly, when I cry , I cry alone.

Currently Reading Fasting Girls : The History of Anorexia Nervosa (Vintage) By Joan Jacobs Brumberg see related

Samantha

September 8th 2005

  Okay , so im sitting here and its only my second period but Ive surprisingly gotten a little used to it here. The kids are ghetto and Im pretty much like a fish out of water. Im way to "preppy" , and so far all Ive seen so far are tight jeans , and baggy five dollar t-shirts and hispanic flag necklaces drapped around the neck of what appears to be a true "thug". The halls  are large , wide and just a bit frigtening. A friend of mine who I lost contact with in 230 is in my english class , and he walked me to library , so I wouldnt have to deal with rowdy people that I don't know and don't EVER WANT to know,in the auditorium. I plan on staying here for another period for lunch. Until I make some friends with the same lunch period as me, I dont think Ill be making a trip to the lunchroom anytime soon. Tommorow I dont have a lunch period , so there arent any worries there.THANKS HEAVEN FOR LAB! This is great for my desperate need to loose weight. I WISH home was this easy. All that seems to be getting me thru my day is "HIM". He brings back the long lost smiles to my face , and the long lost beating to my heart. He likes girls who play hard to get ( even though he SO has me ) , so I ceased to call or text him all day yesterday. The only conversation was earlier in the day on AOL. Ahh , I havent felt this way in forever. Its so refreshing. I just pray that when we have our big day , he likes me. The only times we have ever seen eachother in person , we never said hi. Just gave each other glances when one of us werent looking. Ahh how I truly hope and think he can be THE ONE. Back to school , I cant do this fucking shit. The classes go by soo slow , and I get out at 516 that is NOT acceptable. Even my math teacher said thats not normal. WHATEVER. I cant do this shit everyday. I AM SO TRANSFERING in October.